steph's stuff

A developing pattern

Once again, I've deleted a blog entry (well, the majority of one, anyway).  This is becoming a pattern.  I write about something, add pictures to go with the story, and then find myself having to delete the entry and the pictures because it turns into a layout.  At this point, I'm not going to have much of a blog left.  Sigh.  It will be one big deletion list.

I can only hope that the last entry deleted will be as successful as previous ones - two of them have been published.  And this entry turned into my second HOF layout from a blog entry. ;)

So, it's clear that my layouts always start with the writing process.  That's what gives me the ideas and the inspiration.  I'm wondering about starting a private blog in addition to this one instead of keeping a journal.  Hmmmmmm.....do any of you do that?  Or is your public blog your journal?  I find that I hold back a lot of thoughts on my blog and that's why I don't update it daily - some of the stuff going around inside my head would get me into trouble if the wrong person read it.  Not that it's bad, but perhaps not for everyone to see.  So, tell me about your thoughts on blogging, journaling, and how they intersect for you.

A cozy Thanksgiving after all

***ETA:  Um......sorry......er..........um.........once again, a blog entry has turned into a LO. ;)  So, most of this blog entry was deleted.

Now for the Christmas season to start - our lives have been incredibly crazy this year that I'm just ready for the year to be over with.  We got back Emily's test results and it's pretty darn clear that she has diabetes.  Whether it's Type I or something called MODY diabetes is still up for debate, but it's clearly diabetes.  I'm okay with that now.  Very sad, but okay.  I feel better knowing that at least it is something that we had already been dealing with and not something new.  And something that will become manageable.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I have been hopelessly out of touch lately and incredibly far behind on responding to emails.  You see, we're hosting Thanksgiving this year.  At my house.  For the first time.  Like people actually think I'm a grown up and am old enough to be hosting Thanksgiving.  For the record, I do not feel old enough to be doing this.  Maybe it's a sad fact that at almost 38 years old, I've never cooked a turkey.  Or been the "go to" house for a major holiday.  But, for me, Thanksgiving means going to someone else's house.  Someone who is really an adult and who has done this before.  So, my preparations so far have included:

• buying all new dishes - if I'm gonna have to act like a grown up, I guess it's about time that my dishes reflected that.  I'm guessing that Tom's uncle might not find it amusing to eat off of a Blue's Clues plate because there are 8 adults coming and I only had a setting for 6.  So, a brand new set of 12 dishes is in my dishwasher right now.
• buying new placemats - the only nice ones I had were Christmas ones.
• buying new napkins - see above reference to placemats - same thing here.
• buying new napkin rings - ditto
• buying lots of chocolate
• buying lots of really good and really expensive coffee - helps to bring out the chocolate taste in the chocolate
• buying a new comforter, dust ruffle, sheet set, and new draperies for our master bedroom.  I mean, while I was out shopping, why not?  Plus, we're redoing our master bath and I'll have to pick out tile in a few weeks and the tile colors I'm thinking about would have clashed with our old colors.
• buying new frames for our master bedroom - same problem with clashing colors.
• buying new candles - it's Thanksgiving ya know - the house needs to smell good

Hmmmmmmmm......maybe this Thanksgiving hosting gig isn't so bad after all!  I might do it again next year. 

So, what's left to buy?

Oh. yeah.  I better go find a turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Following in their footsteps

So, following in Elizabeth's and Sharyn's footsteps, I've gotta post some of my smart kid sayings.  Like both Elizabeth and Sharyn, my husband and I pride ourselves on introducing our kids to challenging words and encouraging them to use more difficult words in everyday conversations. 

Tonight, at the dinner table, we praised our 4 yo daughter for using the word "prefer" when she was discussing peas - "I prefer frozen peas to these yucky canned ones."

Not to be outdone, our 7 yo daughter then asked us to "please pass the white-colored food seasonings." 

ROFL - the salt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :D

So, whose footsteps was it that I was following in anyhow?  Perhaps it ought to be my kids'.

RaNdOm ThOuGhTs

In an effort to not have yet another downer blog entry, here's some random thoughts of mine:

• I hate, hate wind.  Even when it's warm.  Something about wind bothers me.
• We're hosting Thanksgiving this year - I'm very nervous about making the mashed potatoes - anyone have a killer method?
• I think Elizabeth is finally starting to grow (she's been on a weight-gaining program)!!  She's starting to fit into a few size 5s!!!
• Among the many tests that Emily is having this week, one of them is to eat high-sugar foods to see how she can handle them.  She's on doctor's orders to eat candy, juice, and doughnuts among other things.  She's loving it!  One week only, but she's loving it!
• Andrew starts at an early preschool program this afternoon - just 2 afternoons/week to free me up for Em's appointments, etc. 
• I feel so guilty for sending him, even though his sisters started this early.  It just seems different when I'm home all day and not working.
• I miss peaing.  I never seem to have time.
• I have a secret. :D
• I'm down a size - love, love that!
• I am sooooo not in the holiday spirit yet.  It still feels like September?!
• We're in the middle of ripping apart our master bedroom - feels good to destroy something.
• My sil is pregnant!  Due in May!
• I have no mojo at all - it's gone, gone, gone. 
• Hmmmm....this list was all about me.  Have to work on that.
• Have a good day!  Hope this was at least 50% upbeat. 

Update on Emily

We spent two hours with the endocrinologist today and left with no answers.  Actually, we left with more questions than we went in there with.  95% of Type I diabetics have 2 different antibodies in their blood that the rest of the population does not. have.  Emily's results were negative for these antibodies.  Here's sign #1 that we're getting a second opinion - these test results have been in for over 3 weeks and the doctor never bothered to read them.  The doctor was shocked to see the results and the lab had done them almost a month ago.  I was in tears - the doctor thought it was because I was overly emotional - she had no idea that it was because I was incredibly angry at her for not having looked at the results 3 weeks ago and letting us know then. 

So, we are left with no explanation for her glucose levels and other symptoms.  Either she's in the 5% of Type I diabetics without the antibodies, or she's Type II (NO risk factors at all for this, though, and she's underweight, not overweight, so the odds are slim to none), or else she has an extremely rare something that's causing this.  The doctor is completely baffled and didn't bother to hide it from us.  She actually went and got down textbooks to look up some issues - sign #2 that we're getting a second opinion.

And, finally, sign #3 that we are getting a second opinion - we asked about thyroid issues because I have read so much over the past month and saw that often diabetics and high glucose levels are associated with thyroid problems and dh's family has a ton of thyroid problems.  So, I asked about Em's thyroid and the doctor replied with "oh, that's a good idea!  wonder why I didn't check for thyroid before."

There are no polite words that I can use to describe my anger right now.  If there is something else wrong, we have lost 3 weeks.  Those lab results have simply been sitting there for 3 weeks and no one bothered to look at them. I will not let this happen again and I am about to become the mother that the doctor's office hates.  I will question everything, I will not hide my anger from them again and I will not let up until we have answers. 

Well........

Fred loves me!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

It's time to send out for reinforcements

We are not doing so well.  Em is struggling to keep it together in school.  She has constant headaches from the wild swings in her glucose levels, is unbelievably hungry at times - crying because she's so hungry - and is spending way too much time in the nurse's office during school.  After having a very long, wonderful chat with the school nurse, I realized what's going on.  Em is scared.  Very scared.  And, she's not been telling me.  Every time she sees a low level or a high level, she thinks THIS IS IT.  This is the day that I go into the hospital.  This is the day that I start insulin.  This is the end and this is the beginning.  My baby is living in fear.  And, I can't stand it. 

So, rather than wallow in our grief and her anxiety, it's time to bring in reinforcements.  We're going to talk with the director of the diabetes clinic tomorrow and prepare ourselves with a huge list of questions for Monday's meeting with the endocrinologist.  We're going to request that the rest of Em's diabetes team be assigned to her now, not when she starts insulin and goes into the hospital.  The team consists of her endo, the diabetes educator, a nutritionist, and a social worker.  We are already working with the first two, but we also need someone to help her not be scared to eat and someone to tell her what she can eat when she's so incredibly, furiously hungry.  And, she needs someone to help her understand her feelings.  It's killing me that I am not able to help her - she has stopped opening up to me.  And, I know why.  She knows I'm grieving, too, and she's worried about me.  So, that has got to stop.  I simply have to find a better way to hide my emotions from her.  And, she needs someone that she can talk to without worrying about hurting that person with her feelings.  So, we start anew tomorrow.  A new plan, a new attitude - reinforcements.

Day by day

I am struggling so much right now.  This is so unfair to Emily and the reality that her diabetes is forever is starting to sink in to her.  She asked me, "Mom, am I going to have to do this forever?  Like, really forever - for the rest of my life?" 

How do you answer a question like that? 

Deep breaths.

Day by day.

We will make it.

I've been missing out

on one of the greatest inventions of this century, apparently.  Those of you who have been following my saga of computer woes will remember that our laptop crashed in April.  And not just crashed - it crashed and burned.  And took with it almost 5500 digital pics - basically, all of my son's life.  To say I learned a lesson about backing up is a massive understatement.  But, chin up, head held high and back up on the horse I got.  We installed a new hard drive and went on.  Until two months ago.  When the laptop would not even turn on one morning.  Fearing the worst, I once again drove the laptop to our computer dude and almost kissed him when he said it was simply a power cord problem.  Yeah!  Until, a week ago.  The dreaded "cannot load Windows XP" window popped up.  Insert huge sigh, another drive to the computer dude, 6 days of waiting, and we finally have the laptop back.  However, it has been declared "unstable."  Which clearly means that it is not trustworthy to hold my digital pics.  So, since "unstable" really means "go shopping, Steph", off I went and bought a new laptop.  Only to find that I've been missing out on a simply amazing invention.  Wireless computing.  And, ya know what - "wireless" really means "no wires."  I mean, duh! Hello! I should have known that.  And, I did.  But, what I didn't understand was the implications of wireless.  That means I can be online anywhere in the house that I want to be.  Seriously, totally, completely, amazingly cool!!!!!!!!!

And a picture to top it all off:  My precious dd on Halloween night with all of her "loot" sent to her by "Mommy's pea friends."  I love you all!!!!!!!